Wonder Breath

Wonder Breath

The only thing I know
Is that I know nothing at all
And this is all the knowledge upon which
I ever wish to call.

My time shall come to pass.
Till that day dawn
I lay smiling in tears on the intoxicating summer grass
Knowing that the divine
No thought nor deed shall ever surpass.

What an in-utterable marvel
What breathtaking awe
Infinite nothingness in nexus with itself
The human paradigm no more than raw-

Raw manifestations of confined, fractal thought
Laughable before the silent Godhead of naught.
Explosion from inconceivable stillness,
Existence that forth came with it this rawness it brought.

Insignificant this rawness amongst the impalpable breeze of Light.
Amusing before the frosted mountains in their unimposing might.

A mere joke before the electricity of a first kiss
A jester in the court of existential bliss.

Not the briefest of moments in the endless count of time
not the faintest of flickers for which I smile
In this inexpressible is-ness forever sublime.

On occasion I sigh that I give cannot
To the people of my world the gift of no-thought.

But then I remember a gift it is not
But the abundance of all
To be awakened to by each for eachself
To the all and for all.

To live beyond the reach of your dreams,
Empty thyself.

Then witness the life within you burst forth as it screams -

Screams “I AM” and that is beyond enough and is all
As the torrents of infinity then flow in you – with you – as you
and answer lucidly
Your Destiny's true call.

Endless Compassion for the Self and Not Losing Sight of One's Bodily Independent Divinity

In our consciousnesses, often, if ever we even realize, we forget how divinely equal we are in our physicality.

"Scepter and crown Must tumble down
And in the dust be equal made
With the poor crooked scythe and spade"

In our search for an absolute truth, we lose sight of the fact that our path, our discoveries, our consciousnesses may be comprehending the truth in its own unique way. We forget that the Buddha, Jesus, the great Sages of time immemorial, all were but Men. Seemingly realized men with alot to offer humanity, and who from when wisdom is taken, often sweet fruits are borne, but they were just men nonetheless, no greater nor no worse than ourselves, nor than the decaying rodent in the dark night of a harbor.

When one loses sight or finds onesself confused at ones position, ones discoveries, or lack thereof, one can find infinite compassion and peace for the self in the realization of the truth of primal equality, which allows for great trust in the self and its choices, and reveals the subtle truth that the current designated self is being lived the best it can - noone else has or ever can live the self one is currently living, and therefore in the face of all the same inner dialogues and life circumstances since birth, would have made the same choices. All choices, all moments are pure and only and correct in the larger sense of absolving the self. All mistakes may be made over a million lifetimes, nirvana will be achieved ultimately nonetheless. There are no mistakes - ever. Occasionally a choice in the dimension of space might immediately present itself as a mis-choice in effect, but in the realm of personal evolution of the soul, it is always correct. For a mistake made is a lesson learned, a mistake made twice is simply a lesson that needed repetition.

Who you are, what you are, as you read this, is the best and most correct self at this point in your evolution that there ever could be.

Some objects of meditation for discovering and residing in the consciousness of divine equality and infinite compassion for the self are:

- Meditating on the abstract concept of space in our physical universe, realizing the equality of it all in the absence of any one inherent superpower or visible controller or God.
- Meditating on the gift and grace of one's birth, and how the gift gave all living beings the same equal grace - Life.
- Meditating on the impermanence of knowledge, wealth, and liveness of Kings, Paupers, Laymen, animals, plants, all alike
- "Centering" ones consciousness into the immediate physical self and its immediate physical experience. Laying to rest and ignoring thoughts outside of immediate physical presence, literally. If you are in your room, meditate on the fact that YOUR universe is limited to the room around you and the physical masses in it around you, including you, and is all you will ever TRULY know. This centering of consciousness tunes one out of collective conditioning and outside influences of other people, books, great saints of the past.

- Meditating on your choices and your stream of consciousness, and your lack of any control whatsoever on what thought arises (rather than the control over having thoughts or not, having less or more thoughts, which is perfectly possible).
- Meditating on the fact that every given moment, your choices are what you feel are the best for you given your limited experiences of the past. That they might have proved to not play out as expected is a different matter - how could you know?
- Meditating on the helpless nature of the Chaotic, lost ego body that is currently you. Realizing that this ego body is always trying its best to fulfill itself, albeit in possibly very incorrect and counterproductive ways initially in the process of evolution. Upon realizing your complete helplessness in the larger picture of what you do and what occurs around you, endless, bottomless compassion for the self is experienced.

The Insanity of our current mode of existence - Making an Example

an example of current human paradigm of thinking and how lost it is. Taken from msnbc live news.

“Scientists say the northern lights on Saturn are unlike anything they've ever seen, on Earth or elsewhere in the solar system. Infrared imagery from the Cassini orbiter, released today to accompany research published in the journal Nature, only adds to the mystery at the top of the ringed planet.

Saturn's north pole is already home to a bizarre six-sided cyclone that planetary scientists haven't yet figured out. That observation marked the first time a hexagon had been seen in atmospheric patterns. The northern auroral displays, monitored by Cassini's visual and infrared mapping spectrometer, also go against the conventional wisdom.”

Why do we need to figure out anything? Why do we always try to understand everything around us,and far and beyond, when we have not understood ourselves yet? We realize not what a petty perspective from thought we humans have of our universe, and yet we think we know and think we can know.

Some may say that this process of scientific exploration and inquisition will finally end in realizing our true nature; that by knowing about everything we will know the nature of our existence and discover our truth. Even if mankind managed to scientifically isolate the god particle, the smallest particle of which the entire universe is comprised, will this let us know who we are, why we are here, what we are, what all of this is..why all of this is? Is there any point in dedicating our lives in pursuit of material wealth, knowledge, technological progress, better cars and easier, automatic machinery, when the pollution, chaos, pain and confusion of our world continually increase without apparent bound? Will it show us sense where the world finally lives as one, famine a distant memory, war and bloodshed a demon of the past?

“This is how the world is and this is how it has always been”. Yes, because this is how we have always thought. We have always looked outside rather than inside. We have always tried to label rather than let be. We have always been chaotic in our minds, so our existence so far has been chaotic. There is a path forward, there is a mode of existence that can change all this. It lies in mastering and understanding ourselves, not in attempting to conquer the unconquerable. How inane are we, that we assume it possible to become large enough in our acquired book knowledge that we may comprehend from the highest view that which created the universe? How can the created ever equal the creator?

“go against the conventional wisdom'' Apparently we are so lost that we have lost concept of what the difference is between wisdom and knowledge. Wisdom is a shine-through sense, an intuitive, universal sense. Wisdom is what exists in reference to how we live our lives, how we should live our lives, and general relativity and sense of existence itself, from a completely non-scientific perspective. Knowledge is accumulated thought understanding, very superficial, very summarized. Our knowledge of an atom is the electrons and protons in it – what IS the nature of existence of a proton? What IS a proton we do not know, only that it is a tiny positively charged particle. This is knowledge, not wisdom. Without knowledge, there is little technological progress. Without wisdom, life makes little sense and we are chaotically thrown into senselessness, pointlessness, and without it we rob ourselves of joy and truth in favor of pain and confusion in the name of 'understanding, acquiring knowledge'. Life is directionless and pointless without wisdom. Evidently from this text, and from human reality today in general, we have lost concept of wisdom altogether. Is it a wonder we are so lost and in so much pain?

The first step in solution and true learning is to awaken to the fact that the path you are on is astray and chaotic. This is mankind's next step in its evolution. Not organic, but of the consciousness itself. See the misery of your world. YOUR world. Observe it everyday. Watch vexation and frustration in the faces of the drivers in the cars around you. Watch how over the smallest of things you and those known to you get angered or pained or cause anger or pain, flooding them and those known to them with negativity. Do you want this? Awaken to the senselessness, discard all you thought you knew: it is very evidently insane. You are part of it. You are currently insane. Awaken to this.

It is of utmost importance to your fulfillment in this short life you live, and of utmost importance to mankind. Even if you are the only one left behind in the old mode of existence, humanity cannot progress. Humanity is currently progressing, but towards doom and devastation, not towards light and fulfillment. You will have to start your process of awakening to this some day or the other if your life is to be filled and if humanity is to absolve itself. Start Now.

Compassion for the Ego - Total Love and Compassion for all the Selfs

Had some phenomenal experiences last night during meditation.

Started late. Started with shedding all my clothing and sitting in my dark room facing a corner. Centered myself, observed the wandering mind, brought it back to the Here and the Now whenever it wandered. Became aware of my breath, and slowly became aware of the prana energy in breath and not the air. Took a big bong hit of a legal substance called "Sence". It makes my thoughts much more evident and visible, and makes it alot easier to get into the space of watching the thinker.

Kept going deeper and deeper into meditation. I spontaneously stopped breathing here. I let it be. I carried on without breath. I started feeling physical symptoms of lack of oxygen. I just moved my awareness onto them, and they immediately dissipated. Then my mind would start screaming 'What in the hell are you doing? Your going to die!'. I would remind myself that there is nothing to be afraid of, not even death, it is all emptiness, it is all nothing, it is all Mu. I get plummeted deep into a trance, breath still held. Rapid fears and physical symptoms of oxygen starvation (though not nearly as quick as normal, I appear to have a diminished requirement in the state I was in). I would just let the fears and feelings be. With each wave of fear that I let be without responding to, a bliss would come over me. Finally and until a final wave was let be a and accepted fully, I fell into a strong, mindless bliss. I spontaneously fell out of the samadhi, not out of fear of not gaining breath back, but because I simply did. Feeling the bliss of nothing perhaps was the destined purpose of this meditation and the purpose of the spontaneous halt in breathing. The second I breathed again a highly intense feeling of 'Coming Back' into the body was experienced, although I did not have a traditional OBE in the meditation where I walked out into space around me: the obe was my consciousness going deep into consciousness itself.

Carrying on my meditation I had some more phenomenal experiences. Chakra meditation brought about huge amounts of radiating energy from most of my chakras. My third eye and crown chakra started getting real infused with energy and there was alot of activity up around here. Deeper and deeper into meditation I would go, using elements of Zazen meditation, Dzogchen 'emptiness, and chakra meditation.

Deep in meditation what occurs for me is that my awareness gets highly heightened, my body highly still, I can feel the smallest creaks in my bones highly intensely: I am very aware at this time. If I am chakra meditating, immensely subtle energies are experienced. Bubbling, rumbling energies in the root chakra, at the crown of my head, between my eyes, at my heart and solar plexus, and there is a movement of these subtle energies from the root towards the crown. These energies are hardly 'subtle' at this time, they engulf me - yet it is not autosuggestion or hallucination, I am intensely aware of myself, the smallest sounds around me, my body, my breath - Thoughts do not cease for prolonged periods, I do not know if they ever do until complete Enlightenment. The thought level quietens down to something of a similar rhythm such as "Thought - question, analysis, attempting to immediately make a concept of the experience I am having, followed by me reminding myself that it is just thought and returning to thoughtlessness or to deep awareness of my breath, return to thought, return to deep awareness. Thoughts do not cease altogether, but here there only appear to be one or two thoughts, there is great clarity and serenity.

Usually around these points, I am either giving a cold shoulder to my ego body, in concept anyway, "The ego has no clue what its doing and is chaotic, ignore it", and occasionally "Goddamnit, the ego wont stop". Through emptiness and feeling the true nature of the ego, this time I was suddenly overwhelmed by compassion like I have never before felt for the ego. There is nothing demonic about it. It is a lost entity searching for its source, searching for happiness, in whatever way it feels is right given its prior limited experiences' 'There is nothing wrong with that! The ego causes pain and chaos, but there is not the slightest bit 'evil' or out of place about it. It is completely innocent. This was the thought that occurred to me after the bliss compassion, and it was beautiful to so wholly embrace the part of me right now that I, and most people on a spiritual path, unconsciously demonize rather than accept fully and let be.

The realization, not in thought but in mode of consciousness, then occurred about who I am right now, and the way I behave. We all feel like we owe our existence in some way to people around us, we all feel nagging doubts, however small and sparsely interspersed, that were not doing the best thing for ourselves - doubts caused by other people telling us to do this or that or due to countering opinions. The realization of compassion provided a consciousness and later thought realization that what one does one does every moment of existence only because one feels it is the best thing to do. What one is at any given time is the best and most correct version of that person, because only they have lived their lives. The experience of compassion for the self was incredible, and the world stopped being significant in any way, all there was was me and the infinitely compassionate, blissful nothingness, and many times in the meditation, only the bliss and no me.

This was a 2 hour meditation.

Blog of a Collective Spiritual Ascenscion Visionary

I am a visionary who is on a mission to aid in awakening the world of humanity to the true nature of existence, and who is on an ongoing journey of experiencing this true nature on a day by day, minute by minute basis myself.

The first five blog posts have been posted in reverse order to create an intended viewing order for viewers. The last post is the first intended to be viewed, ie. this very post, and the remaining in reverse order so forth.

I will not be updating this for a week or so first. If anyone knows how to set up the blog in such a way that new viewers first view what I want them to view when they come across my blog, please do let me know.

In addition, here is my video blog http://www.youtube.com/nitaant

An Infinitesimal Summary of A Now Rapidly Manifesting Mode of Existence

It is time I shared who I Am and how I live my life..I love the way I live it and who I am and wouldn't change it for anything in the universe..if perhaps some people find something for themselves in it thats an added bonus.

Who I Am Now

A child of this world, trying to live my life from the moment forward. I attempt to make my reality and my present not a product of my past or who I have been in the past, but a product of the future that I am living into. I am a cosmotheist, I have felt and found the Buddha head and have seen and felt enough to know, for me, that questions and thinking are futile and limited, and that in the collective unconsciousness that stems from the nothing and that engulfs and is everything and anything that can be reached through active spiritual practice on a moment to moment basis lies all the truth and reality I ever seem to need.

I am in love, infinite, and living my life into a future of uncontained, explosive expression as a life in this universe. Exploring for myself as the first consciousness ever did, I live with a passion for the very existence of life that makes every moment of my life my best moment. I need but the sky above me, the wind in my hair, and the night stars alone to feel at home anywhere in this universe at any given time - for the sky and wind are mine. Not mine alone, but mine just as much as any consciousness' in this universe.

I am not my name, my clothing, my shelter, or any of my actions of the past. I am an essentially nameless, label-less entity that is therefore free to be anything and anybody it wants to.

I Am that I Am, and thats who I Am

The question that remains unanswered, usually, is "does this internal state crossover and manifest itself as you want in reality"? Answer - Yes




Core Beliefs

- I Am that I Am, it is what it is, which is nothing, and therefore from me and from anything can stem everything

- There are only 3 rational truths that I recognize:

1) I will die
2) I like positivity, happiness, and creative expression
3) I am currently in the possibly 'for a one time and a one time only' position of being alive

From this, if need be, I can rationally deduce, for myself, that I want to live every damn awesome moment of my short, short life with positivity, happiness, and abundant creative expression, for one day, perhaps today, I will die.

- We are island universes, never to behold another's consciousness, ever. For all I know, I am all that is real as I am a perceiving consciousness, and that therefore nobody in this universe is inherently right or wrong, and that I will live as I please, attempting to take all those who volunteer along into my newfound world of infinite expression.

- Pain, fear and suffering are not real. They are constructs of the mind. The sensation of pain is simply that; the sensation. That it is painful and/or negative is my instinctive interpretation. What the sensation REALLY is is just the sensation, in its naked existence.

- Uncontained euphoric oneness and cosmic alignment are all that are real. Through spiritual practice, the godhead that is acheived has not the concept of suffering - its as though it has never existed, all it has is an immeasurably vast oneness, unceasing eternal love, and barenaked, raw possibility.

- In this godhead, inherent feelings of appropriateness of action are governed from the very core, and are therefore unshakable. The conscience automatically aligns with all that is good and true, for real and not in doctrine. Suicide, murder, harm of another consciousness are unmanifestable in this state. The only feelings one has towards other consciousnesses is of eternal connection, positivity, and a want to creative a further positive experience in the union of the other consciousness.

- The godhead must be achieved through our innate state though; through the mind. The mind is very heavily influenced by biological agents, dopamines, hormones, and the like. Supplementation of biological agents can put the mind in a much better position to achieve the godhead, if active spirituality is practiced while under the influence. Marijuana, testosterone, light alcohol, and psychedelics are my biological agents of choice to influence my ascension into this state, usually when I find sober meditation is difficult at the time. No 'feel good' substances, and no physically addictive substances; they are eventually counterproductive to the purpose.

- My body and mind are my physical vessels in this short, euphoric experience of life, and I work at keeping them healthy as possible through the lifetime.



I write poetry, and find it best expresses me most often, and so I will post some of my pieces of relevance

We Are Cosmos

Look forth to the night sky. Behold that vast, unchained, untouched eternity. It belongs to you. Not to you alone, but as much to you as to anybody, and hence nobody owns it any more than you do.

Look down at your hands and limbs. They are not controlled by puppeteer strings. They are yours to move as you please. Feel that phenomenal life force that courses in triumphant bursts through your veins. Its ultimacy and indomitability is supreme and second to none.

Everything that exists is owned equally by you as by anybody. Nobody seems to realize this. Your life and what you do with it isn't a fucking inheritance. It's yours and yours alone by divine right.

Presidents don't run shit. They only pretend to because nobody realizes that they have no more right to determine any collective fate than they themselves do.

Don't ever complain that you are not free or are powerless. Every damned molecule in this universe belongs to you. To you no less than to anybody else.

Don't you dare cry about restraints. There are none.

Liberate yourself by liberating this world. Pass this message on forward. It is time that makind obliterated its self imposed - self sustained shackles.

It is time for the heroic realization of this basic yet unchartered law of ultimate equality and of the brilliant magnificence of this core and indestructable freedom.

Redemption of the realization of the unbreakable core - Forge it forward. Now.

Eternities in Nothing




Funny how one of the practically closest instances when a a man
can feel what it is like to be all powerful, when he has a miniscule lifeform
in his hands and at his every mercy, he feels not even remotely powerful.

one feels minuscule in the fraction of life, and realizes
the value of the life in ones hands.

the feeling is anything but one of being all powerful

it is incredibly humbling. it weakens me at the knees. the benevelonce of life,

of this intangible thing that courses through us,

allows us to experience the wind on a warm summer day,

the rustles of the leaves of the palm trees, nervous first kisses, warm blankets,

family and hot chocolate on a cold and wet day, the engulfing innocence in new born puppy breath, the explosive life that radiates from flowers, the only world where man may actually contribute to and work in symphony with nature that is art, the indescribable epiphany of music

this life force...behind things.

when i hold a life in my hands i feel eternally endebted to the very existence of life and what it allows me to experience. I am ALIVE. Possibly for a ONE TIME AND ONE TIME ONLY I am PART of this magnificent force, I can feel it coursing through my veins. So much love to give, so much that I can create. So much unexperienced.

On Who I Used to Be

It amuses me and quite frankly leaves an etch of disbelief when I look back at who I used to be.

From ages 12 to 19 this could well summarize my existence: Depression, purposeless, chaos, inability to deal with the physical world, alienation of self, and later on intense suicidal thoughts.

The world and my world didn't align and make inherent sense to me. I was deeply philosophical, introverted, and withdrawn. I suffered from extreme social phobia. I was numb to my parents attempts to help me, and to any attempt at being a part of my life; positive or negative.

Age 12 through 14-15 I cried nightly, and I never knew why. I would cry myself to sleep, every night, and not even know why I felt so much pain. I went from being one of the top students in my grade to being useless at academia and sports alike: I took no interest, and threats and shoutings and talks had not the slightest effect on me. Luckily, the school that I was at only started requiring examinations to be passed to proceed to the next grade after grade 8, and so I kept moving up with everyone else: without doing anything whatsoever.

I started spontaneously writing poetry as a form of self expression one day, the words just flew forth from my fingertips and required little to no revision. They showcase my internal state at the time very effectively. These poems were written at different times over a 4-5 year period starting age 12.

Freedom Showers
Let loose from the depths of hell was I,
Far and safe from the evil eye.
For no sin of mine was I chained,
Oh my!I have no words to explain,
Just how much this pained.
Alone with flames and raging fire,
I would stand for hours together ,
perspire.
Now my body and soul shall rest and heal,
And try to leave behind my past ordeal.
The gods have been kind,But still,
Sometimes life just blows up my mind.
Horrors of my past,Dark shadows they cast.
Chills still run down my spine,
With fear and anger they do twine.
Nightmare land that was,
But I suppose,It was all for a cause.
This is the aftermath of a painful death,
Memories,
That send my soul gasping for breath...

Flaming Wrath

Uncontrollable desire to fight and yell,
Rage concentrated from the depths of hell.
Anger more terrific than livewire,
I kick,kill,scream,never tire.

Something has set thy mind ablaze.
Confusion,devastation,thoughts a daze.
Grab and rip at all thy see,
Before thy unleash flames from thyself,
Thou escape,flee.

None can stop me from destruction,
Soul snatches happiness,
Complete vacuum,suction.

All brightness,glee ne'er to survive,
Black hole am I,
Finished is all,
Earth, Beneath, and Sky.

Chained and Restless

When the body lies motionless,
All else races free.
When mind experiences no happiness,
All else go crazy with glee.
When physical structure lays immobile,
Spiritual ones display unbelievable energy.
When the mind goes totally senile,
Soul dances for all eternity.

When one craves for the freedom to prance,
Sorry,
One's wish cannot be granted.
When one pleads for just one more chance,
Sorry,
One's fate has been firmly planted.

This state is one of helplessness,
One of being so totally subdued,
This sad state of restlessness,
Is I am sure, to be continued.

Captive of Nothing

Imprisoned within the flaming doors of Hell am I,
Cursing with remorse at emptyness.
On the floors of free imprisonment I lie,
My afterlife an absolute mess.

Offered to me was the sweet nectar,
Of holiness afar.
Existence of beauty after death,
Nothing pungent,nothing sour.

Instead I chose to sit within these bars of my own prison.
To turn with agony a deadly crimson.
To weep blood uncontrolled,
To sit beside nothingness,yet within cold.

I still grieve within this cage,
Weeping at my chosen plight.
Gazing longingly,
Hopefully,
At the rays of freedom's light.

Gazing at the star studded night,
I plea for mercy
Will my life be alright?

I weep in frustration and rage
Scream and bite at empty space
And bang on an invisible cage;
Nothing but a traumatized hopeless-case.

Pain and agony have left me mad.
I froth around,
Drop to the ground;
Something disgusting and sad.

I holler again and trample the earth.
I experience intolerable pain and silently request Him for a rebirth.

Grade 9 brought about a voluntary change of school. Here I could not deal with the academia either and developed a tough-guy image to keep people at bay due to my fear of them. Let it be known that acting tough and aggressive is a definite sign of feeling inferior on the inside. My father helped me painstakingly with my academic work, helping me to just barely scrape by. The same story was observed through till grade 11. Here I got sick of organized academia altogether and opted to homeschool my last year. I became further withdrawn due to lack of social contact, and little actual schooling ever occured at home.

Somehow managing to scrape by everything and procure half decent SAT scores, I applied to university in the united states. The only school I was accepted to was Rutgers in New Jersey. Here the new world of being away from my parents and living on my own and fending for myself spurred my insanity further. It kept accumulating over the year. This year intensely suicidal thoughts started occuring. Life ends in death, what was the point of living given that there is so much misery in life?

It started peaking and climaxing towards the end of the school year. I became socially phobic to the extent that when my roommate would throw a house party in our apartment, my first impulse would be to hide under my bed, and eventually Id settle for acting like I was asleep while cursing my existence with every breath. I started muttering and cursing at strangers while walking through college: my hatred for what I saw around me and what humanity was could just not be contained anymore. Here is some poetry that very well conveys my inner state of existence at the time for this is when I wrote them:

Dark Side

Beyond in the Shadows
Lies a nature unexplored.

A transient cold
White hot and infernal
a dimension available
Solely to the bold.

Pain is not pain
When not conceived as pain
Its essence is twistable
Programmable;
A haven for the insane.

Tethered to a chain we both spasm
You writhe in anguish,
While I orgasm.

“He who makes a beast of himself
Gets rid of the pain of being a man”
No greater sense
No deeper chasm
Than looking to water
reflective in the night
and seeing not yourself
But a demon in the sprite.

Insanity a polarity,
Just one face of the coin.
Neither side for the better or for worse
Two poles never to conjoin.

How understand you
The hallowed tranquility
Of flames on the flesh.
or the cold romance
Of the skin and a mesh.

I declare
My serenity the sum
of your fear and your spite.
And that my creed be the anti-dictum
Of the heralders of your Light.


That the awe of this blackness
you dare not illuminate
Is so mine alone.
Mine
By blood and by bone.

Leave me be now ye shackles alive
To my own devices to meaning derive.
Speak not in my ears to your religions drive,
To my own nirvana now let me arrive.

Eight Horse Vacuum

Swaying on the edge of
Two savage hyperboles

One a ghost pathway,
Brilliant and alone
The other a betrayal of my Self
If it I choose to roam.

This treason of the ego
May bring kith and kin,
A smile on my face,
But not serenity within.

It will render me the pleasures of the flesh;
Luciferous charm I do possess.
Hidden, yes
Brewing placidly
in lethal excess.

To surge volcanically
When its passion pressed
Violent shuddering
In salacious zest.
Oh!
Beckons it does
Fingers through my hair
and skins in convergence
Vulnerable and bare.

Lest I trade
My sovereignty for
the chemical romance of a second in spare.
I banish these thoughts
for all love is
but a love affair

Outlasted only
by solitude in flight
A lonely walk
In the embrace of the night
The spirit of One in bold ignite.

Pining for a connexion with souls not your own
Is but a trait of survival
A trait outgrown
My time it is to attend the highest peak
Maslow's final tier:
A path of pain and a path alone

Prometheus Again

Strange stardust
Coursing through my veins
Delirium blackhole infinite
of cotton are these chains.

Not transcendental
Or holy or malign
just dry sliced truth
There is nothing divine.

These chemic cosmicites
play centrifuges in the blood
Splitting the magic from the mundane and
the gold from the flood.

Binary blatancy
The lone cold fact
Dead dust will we be
Not spirits abstract.

Alive but once
Just once and just once

Owe nothing to the scowling hags
or the brass tops and tyrannists
with their bloodshot black flags.

A bullet in my head
A syringe in my vein
“No”, “Not right”
My life, my right
Ill do it and ill do it again.

I am an artist.
An artist I say.
Indulge me, you bastards.
Indulge in my way.

Suicidal thoughts started approaching alarming frequency. Often my entire day would be spent between alternating thoughts of suicide and pornography, more misanthropy, more angst.

Finally it all came down to it one day. I awoke out of a dreamless sleep, and without thinking a single thought, as if by divine hand beyond my understanding or explanation, I marched into the kitchen, picked up a sharp knife, and went into the bathroom and locked it. My roommates were out over thanksgiving break. This was it, I was going to do it, there was no convincing at the last minute that had to be done, no coaxing, no thinking - its just what was going to be done.

Then it hit me, the knife seconds away from slitting my own throat in the bathtub - All my fears and thoughts about life as useless due to the inevitability of death were ultimately in one way or the other due to the fear of death, and due to living my existence with my attention focused on death - which can never be understood by the living. If all my fears were ultimately from the fear of not existing, dying, and here I am about to kill myself, how about facing all my fears just as I am facing the knife right now? They cant be worse than this knife: I am about to do to myself exactly what all my fears are ultimately due to! And instead of dwelling upon that which cannot be known, why not forget about it and dwell upon every precious second of existence on this side of death?

That second forth something new awoke in me, a new courage, a new attitude that shouted from the soul as it stood arms stretched on the top of the mountain "I am here, I exist, I will die, I fear not the inevitable anymore, give me your best shot, Ill face my fears and do what makes me happy - I AM"

A new, phenomenal existence began to rapidly unravel since then, and continues to do so even more rapidly today. This unravelling is what this blog is about.

Enough

Man is currently in a constant state of extreme insanity, this is the truth.

What kind of ridiculous, absolutely false world have we created for ourselves? We receive but an incredibly short time on this Earth to experience the brilliance that is naked existence. Our actions in this universe ultimately are entirely insignificant. The universe will unfold as it will – it knows not our ridiculous paradigms of good and bad. It is as it is. It will ultimately end someday, and all humanity will end someday too; regardless of our actions.

The reality is that this universe is a playground, and that life is nothing but a lifetime of playtime. It is all inherently void of any significance. It is all also incredibly beautiful and can be unimaginably euphoric, when we allow ourselves to be what we are and when we live awesomely, in the moment, and are completely self expressed at all points in our given existence.

Instead we have created a human paradigm where every little nothing is SO apparently significant to us, where infinite more lives are lived dead than alive, with people live pre-meditated, ritualized lives of false stress and entirely purposeless suffering till there dying day, never to experience the beauty of the playtime that is life.

All we as a race do is project false images of ourselves. When the image is not received as wanted, we hate the image. Lost in our own illusion, we blame the source and sometimes go as far as to destroy it. This is ample proof that our current mode of existence is not only ridiculous, but downright insane.

We humans are master storytellers and story writers. Our entire lives are falsified versions of reality, often with absolutely no basis in rational reality. We all write our own fiction pieces that we call 'reality'. Naturally, there is significant conflict between our stories, others' ridiculous stories, and reality.

Our pain is the product of the friction
Between reality and our fiction.

No fiction
No friction
No pain

When observed neutrally and from an alien perspective, it takes not a toddler to realize that our so called 'great men of the world', presidents and religious leaders alike, behave no more like the rest of humanity, and behave irrationally and very, very childishly. Infinite tranquility and harmony have not been achieved yet, and certainly will not be achieved through humanity's current mode of existence.

It takes not but one look at the infinitely phenomenal canvas of the sky or the gentle caress of the wind in your hair to know that divinity exists, is all that exists, and that every one of us is an equal part of this divine nexus, and as such are perfect as we were the day we left the womb. This beautiful mother of ours has created nothing anywhere near imperfect or devoid of divine beauty, including and especially every one of us.

STOP THIS INSANITY. Live like the playful animals we are inherently. Many a man often wishes he were a bird. You ARE; in spirit. You may not fly physically, but the boundless euphoria of naked, playful existence is a divine, cosmic flight in itself.

On Being Alive

Being alone and being still is the most explosively infinite situation one can be in; the sheer possibility that stems from just being alive and not being physically committed or interfered with in any way is just overwhelming – in the state of awareness, where I Am.

When in the state of the mind, boredom, depression, and extreme restlessness and panic-episodes are the dominant state of consciousness when one is alone.

One life, this consciousness could cease at any instant, live it, live it for you, by you, as you. The you that is far deeper than form and concept, that is the master of the mind.


There are only three things I know. One is that I Am, and that I am alive, and that I exist. Another is that I will die, this consciousness will cease, and I will never until death, if then, know what, if anything, lies on the other side of life. And third, that I want to feel positive, want only positivity, and that I could do without any negativity in my life.

The only deduction on how to live my life from these three truths, that makes any sense and perfect sense at the same time, is that I will live each sacred moment with complete positivity and pay no heed to that which I do not need in my life; negativity and counter-intention.

Our consciousnesses are island universes. We have our own perception of the entire universe, and therefore the size of the entire universe, in each of our heads, and us and only us will ever know what it is to live in that island universe.

When one becomes aware of awareness itself, one discovers the ever unfolding, completely and eternally private relationship that one has with the universe. This discovery brings about a very profound change in life experience, and every moment, however seemingly exciting or mundane to the mind, feels sacred and equal in quality to any other moment anywhere in any time and any space.

Lack of awareness and grounding cause loss of self. The mind attempts to construct a self because there is no self. It frantically creates a highly dysfunctional and disjointed entity that is a separate, diseased apparition, and this diseased apparition becomes what you think is ‘you’. The mind uses scrap and dirt and whatever it can readily obtain and relate to. It creates itself based on the bits and pieces it finds around, based on false limitations from past experiences, leaving your life almost completely out of your control. You become another miserable apparition that hates what ‘life is dealing to him’.

In awareness however, this vacuum does not exist. With awareness comes an infinitely deep sense of I Am, an I Am that transcends all boundaries, all limitations, all labels, and all human paradigms. There is no vacuum to frantically fill, no void, and hence one finds oneself in the innate state of creativity, expression, and infiniteness. All that exists now is possibility, and one meets reality halfway, affecting it just about as much as it affects you. Instead of being a dying, decaying entity that takes beating after beating from reality, one finds oneself in a curiously homely and perfectly natural state of romancing the universe, of awe and amazement, of love and connectivity, of playfulness and genuine unison of all consciousnesses interacted with.


Life is lived most awesomely, beautifully, and perfectly when one’s relationship is with the universe and with life itself, and one explores the brief world shown to him with infiniteness, abundance, and unbridled brilliance and intensity. Most humans’ sense of self is embedded in their relationships and stem from outside perception, or rather perception of outside perception, instead of from the reality within.

We dream-walk and sleep away most of our ridiculously short lives, without any knowledge of what lies on the other side of the veil, without awareness of being alive itself.

The Infinite in Experience: A Beyond Phenomenal Adventure

I was back in India over summer. Was wanting to go to this place called Kodaikanal, shroom capital of the country, it grows by the fields and acres. It is technically illegal, but the law enforcement is next to non existent.

One day I was sittin round with my buddies (couple of stoners and some non-stoners), and we decided to make a spontaneous trip to kodai that very evening.

Long story short, the rest of them backed out. I told myself I was going, on my own, it was something I wanted to do, and I was in a spiritual state, trusting the universe completely.

Headed back to my place with the stoners, had them roll me 4-5 js for the trip, smoked a couple of jays with them, packed bare basics and about 2500 indian rupees ( 60$) for the trip. Dressed like a vagabond, intentionally. Usual attire is very well groomed, t-shirt/shirt, jeans, boots. Wore shorts (I never wear shorts), and a very scraggly, loose shirt that I left half unbuttoned.

Left the place to my friends to chill at for the night, and left for the bus station.

Wanted to take an A/C Volvo bus for this 16 hour trip. I got there at departing time for the last buses. There were no volvo buses. I asked one of the conductors if there was a bus to Kodai, he told me that the only way to get there at that time would be to take 3 un-airconditioned, cramped with homeless people buses that connect at various villages. Anywhere in the world was my home, any and all people were my friends. I got on promptly.

Buses looked something like this:




Still had my hair spiked from a party earlier, and of course I looked and behaved nothing like the low economic strata people who were in the bus, and it called attention to me. The possibility of it bothering me never once rose up.

Decided to eat some hash. Popped a large piece of very potent manali cream, and chewed on it for 20 minutes, eating very little at a time (increased surface area gets you MUCH higher than eating the whole piece). Smoked a cigarette or a j (dont remember) out the window of the moving bus (sat at the absolute back window). Didn't care what the others thought. In fact, I found various people at the back of the bus sparking up cigarettes at their windows after watching me smoke. Constraints..there are none - take the world with you wherever you go.

Went to sleep (night bus at 11pm). Was woken up at the station tripping BALLS. Tripped harder on this hash than on any substance. Was still in my state, but was at a ridiculously dirty, smelly bus station, no clue where I was or which bus I had to get on, smiling my ass off drawing alot of attention because I was swaggering and grinning. I then saw a stray dog that came up to me wagging its tail. In that crazy world, the dog's pure and uninhibited love for a stranger was all that made any sense, and I just stood there and smiled/petted him. Can't find an exacting pic of a similar bus station, but this one is close in how crowded it is.




All the bus stations in my trip were 5x as dirty and not nearly as sophisticated (the pic is a bus station in a metropolitan city, these were village bus stations)

Managed to find the right bus and got on. It was a beautiful night ride, the scenery was gorgeous, and the wind in my hair was just fucking fantabulous. Smoked a j or two and a half pack of cigarettes out the window. Went to sleep.

Woke up to a small stop for breakfast. It was a beautiful morning, the hash had worn off. I got down, walked down to a guy selling tender coconut water and bought one. , (not me in the pic, random google pic)

Some dogs were playing with each other with unbridled ebulience. I just stood and watched. Smoked a J while watching them.

Got back on the bus and carried on. The next bus station wasn't too far off, and I reached there mid-day in sweltering heat. I ate breakfast at a nearby small-time local eating house, and got on my bus and waited. Was sweating balls, but was still in my spiritual state, and I loved everything that was happening to me and around me.

Note that in the past I used to have a, perhaps elitist, dislike for the locals of lower economic strata in india and the lifestyles they lead and the dirt they lived around. I forgot that I had ever felt that way, I felt nothing but love for all the odd looking characters I saw around me.

Bus left finally. Daytime ride of about 4 hours to my final destination, Kodai. Don't remember much of this ride..smoked some cigs out the window, the heat made me fall deeply asleep.

Got to the foothills of kodai, and the bus started its ascent up. The ride up was fucking beautiful. Ive been to these kind of hillstations before, but with other people and not in a spiritual state nor with spiritual intentions, and so never saw even an iota of the beauty that I beheld that day.

Finally got to kodai at around 6pm.

Kodai

Got off the bus, smelling strongly of sweat and pretty drained physically, but very ready and very excited spiritually.

Walked not more than 5 feet when some dude in a half-assed uniform asked me if I was looking for accommodations. India is chalk full of people who try to push themselves into you to sell something rather than wait for you to come to them, and so my initial reaction was the same as usual. Without thinking twice I told him no and walked on. 5 steps further I stopped. Wait a minute... I turned back.

"Yes, I'm looking for accommodations. Also, do you know shrooms?". "Come with me"

"How much are you looking to spend on accommodations?". My friends misinformed me before hand and told me that 350 rupees would get me a decent guest room to stay in for the night, and so I told him that. He gave me a dubious look for a second, then took me along.

The commercial area of this town is very small, just one street long, and is right next to the bus stand. Heres a pic of the street I found on google, the place I stayed at was just a couple of shops down.



We got there, the guest house manager took me up to the top floor and showed me into my room. The bed was clean and comfy, but the rest of the place was a mess. The bathroom was flooded, the sink messed up, and everything just generally out of place.

The guy then introduced me to a guy called Xavier and told me that he would hook me up with the shrooms. I was misinformed of the price of shrooms as well, instead of 500 bucks for 4 dozen I was asked to pay 1000 rupees. I agreed and told myself that I just wouldn't eat or spend any more money till I got back the next day. My checking account was empty.

He walked me around for awhile, some open alleyways and stuff, fluff talked too much, said something about never smoking or drinking when I offered him a J.

He finally showed me a packet of shrooms. This was my first time looking at or dealing with shrooms. I didn't think it looked like enough (learned later that it was), so I said no.
He got pissed, called a couple of locals from a construction site nearby, and demanded 500 bucks from me. This was the last 500 bucks on me. I was looking for peace, not a fight, would probably have gotten my ass kicked anyway. I gave him the money and went back to my room, scared for the first time in my life like I had never been before, not knowing what to do and utterly upset with my whole situation.

The accommodations guy then came up to my room and asked me if I got my shrooms. I told him what happened. He got very flustered and told me to come with him to deal with the guy who ripped me off. I told him to just find me another shroom dealer. I remembered that I could overdraw on my checking account, despite the high interest rate, and went ahead and drew some more cash.

The other shroom dealer told me to wait in my room, quoted the same price, and left. I sat around and smoked a cig in my room until a knock came on the door.

I got up and opened the door (no peephole). It was Xavier. Scared as fuck, I slammed the door shut and said "Go away". He responded, seemingly genuinely, "take your money back". I told him to go away. He said "I have mushrooms". I told him to go away. Then I heard the other shroom dealer get into verbal abuse with Xavier outside my room, and heard another knock. I asked who it was. It was the other shroom dealer, and he said that Xavier was gone.

I opened the door, and he was gone. The dude came in, showed me a packet of shrooms. He told me that there were a dozen fresh ones and he pointed them out, and that the remaining 3 dozen were dried. I paid him, took the packet, and locked my door.

Still shaking with fear, in an unknown land, my cell-phone not working with outgoing calls (it was temporarily barred for some reason), sitting on a small remaining bit of overdrawn money, I promptly started packing with intentions of leaving for home the same night instead of tripping on the shrooms out in kodai at night like I had initially intended to.

Halfway through the packing, my spiritual state started returning. I reminded myself why I was here, that anywhere in the universe was my true home, packed some biscuits, cigarettes, a lighter, and a dozen fresh shrooms into my pockets and left my room. On the way out I asked the manager what time he closes the front door. He told me 11 o clock, it was 8:00. It was dark out. I decided to stay out all night tripping on the shrooms; I trusted the universe completely.

I asked around for what 'beautiful places' there were around; this hillstation is a beautiful place. Realizing that I couldn't actually see much landscape at night, I chose to go to a place called Bambar Falls a couple of miles away. I found the right road and started walking. The city had started closing up, and there were only some odd, potentially shady/dangerous people around. My state carried me through without fear and I kept walking.

A taxi passed me by on the way and stopped for a second, asking me where I was going. I told him where I was going, he told me he would take me to a church near the falls (about a mile and a half away) for 50 rupees. I got in.

He dropped me off and told me which way to go. I started. The path was thin, and completely dark. All I had for a light was my cellphone torch. I would normally never have even considered walking into the unknown darkness to trip on shrooms in the middle of the night, in an unknown city, but my state carried me through ceaselessly. The sounds of the night (crickets etc) that would usually have started to freak me out due to the circumstances did not this time.

I walked and walked, coming across little abandoned-for-the-night vegetable carts and whatnot. I finally came to a place that fitted what I was looking for perfectly. It was fucking gorgeous. It was a very small indented valley off an off-road, the stream and fall right next to me, and trees and plants all around on the raised ground around me. There was a beautiful spot with grass and a comfortable indentation in the ground to relax. I sat down and took out everything I had with me and placed it on the grass. I took the shrooms in my hand and immediately started eating them. I had read that shrooms taste horrible, I loved the earthy taste of these fresh shrooms and I knew that they would be good to me. After consuming them a sense of dread flushed over me for a few seconds when I realized in totality where I was, what my circumstances were, that I was right next to an unguarded waterfall, tripping for the first time on a real psychedelic substance, all on my own in an unknown world. The dread turned to a phenomenal feeling of peace and acceptance of my situation as I came back very strongly into my spiritual state.

I sat around and meditated on the sounds and the breeze and the sights around me as I ate some biscuits and smoked a joint and then a cigarette. I had not eaten properly for 2 days now. The shrooms started kicking in fast.

The first thing I noticed was that a somewhat distant streetlight on the road, that was just barely casting light on an area of ground a few feet away in my peripheral vision, was beginning to cast a stronger light. I turned my awareness to the light. It became brighter and brighter, and then extremely bright in intensity. I enjoyed this visual experience. The winds then started whispering to me. Not in tongues or in dialects, but they spoke the same words they have spoken to all consciousnesses since the dawn of time; that all is still and peaceful and perfect and infinite, and will always be so, regardless of the continuation of human existence, regardless of possible apocalypses, regardless of all human tomfoolery.

The trees around started morphing subtly in shapes, forming silhouettes of scythed dragons and such. I was aware and in complete control of my mind, I knew that it was the shrooms, and what would have been fear was a sense of vacant amusement at the morphing shapes around me.

It was getting very chilly, and I was planning on staying out the entire night. Instead of running away or moping, I reminded myself of what I am, what the first human and prometheus were capable of, and started looking around for materials to start a fire.

There was some abandoned sand for construction purposes a little way away. I found a sack amongst some litter, filled it with sand and brought it back to the place I was sitting at - being careful all the while while walking. Every time I got up to move around was a steep climb, and every time I walked back to the site was a walk very close the edge of the stream.

I cleared an area of grass from the earth, spread the sand, and started looking around for wood and paper scraps and twigs to start the fire with. I broke off dried branches and found some relatively dry twigs. It had rained the night before. I found some old scraps of damp newspaper.

I was freezing my ass off, and thought I was gonna be out there in nowhere for at least 10 hours more. The scraps of paper were my only hope to start a fire. I found that I handled them like gold, placed them piously near my sitting place as I would place the greatest treasure in its sacred hiding spot. Life is all perspective, this reminded me that very, very strongly.

I attempted to start the fire, intermittently, when the wind was not too much. The lighter was damn near out of lighter fluid. It died on me after a few failed attempts. I sat around freezing. My spiritual state was strong and I was at peace, but the extreme physical discomfort started messing with my state. After 2 hours, starting to trip even harder, I decided to try and make it back to the hotel before the manager closed the door. I got up, said goodbye to my temporary home under the stars, and started back on the path, tripping balls.

Tripping for the first time on shrooms and under the circumstances, I would usually have been extremely frightened by all the shadows and shapes and sounds of nature in the night. I used to be frightened by them as a kid for as long as I could remember. I felt no such fears, only immeasurable and supremely unshakable trust for the universe and me, its child.

I walked back down the path, following it thoughtlessly, in love and infinite. The shrooms created some visuals, some touch-sensory distortions in perception, some aural distortions, but most intensely and awesomely furthered and amplified the connectedness and peace I felt in my spiritual state. It was beyond phenomenal. Seeing yourself, in cold reality, walking down a dark lonely path tripping balls on shrooms without getting hurt and only feeling good and loved told me all I needed to know about fears, how inauthentic and unreal they are, and that love and peace and stillness are all that exist and are infinite. I was in the potentially most dangerous and scary position of my life, but felt the complete opposite, ultimately experienced nothing dangerous. The true nature of compulsive thought, it's self importance, and its complete lack of grounding in reality became omnipotently clear to me. I saw reality; the reality beyond thought and conception and form - the reality of What Is and of Suchness.

I ultimately landed up at my guest room. The hovel that I disliked so much when I first got there was a haven in relativity to the biting winds that I had thought I would be with all night. Another lesson in perception.

I brushed my teeth, changed, washed my face, and got into bed, smiling, in the most phenomenal space I have ever been in my life. I ate some more biscuits and tried to smoke another J, but my lighter would not cooperate. After about 20 attempted flicks at the lighter I stopped. A minute later I picked it up again. I realized that the reality was that there WAS a possibility, however minute, that on some click, a flame might appear. I started flicking the lighter again, with only possibility in my heart and without any counter-intentions. 5 clicks later I got a tiny flame and lit my joint. I meditated on the joint and was just in being with it. I saw life, the meaning of life, and the brilliance of conscious perception in the burning embers of the joint. It was the most supremely satisfying experience - looking at the burning joint. Who we are within and how we live from within is what affects how we experience the world around us, and consequently and ultimately who we are, what happens to us, and how the universe treats us. There is a reality is within us and in everything and that IS everything that is incomprehensibly greater than the reality we think we know in the normal human state in the human mind.

I sat around for about another 2 hours, still tripping, feeling otherworldly, and musing on all the lessons I had learned and all the thing about life and reality I had seen that I would never have thought possible.

I started coming down. I then ate 5 more dried shrooms.

a half hour later the new shrooms started kicking in. I started getting mindfucked. Heard frequencies in my head, thought I was telepathically talking to a friend for a few moments.

What followed showed me alot about the nature of consciousness, my perception of the world, and how it oscillates almost inversely depending on whether I am in the godhead or in my mind.

I found that when I would fall back into my mind, I would become intensely suicidal, ready to walk out my guest room and jump off the hillstation I was on. I hated everything, the fact that I was alone in the middle of nowhere tripping strongly on unknown substances.

When I went back into the godhead, where I was was the most beautiful place in the world to be, and every moment I was in was my best moment. The plain curtains and furniture around would become gorgeous as I observed them in the stillness of their naked existence. I would fall in love with them. I would then consciously try and push myself out of this state and back into my mind. Instantly fear, dread and anxiety would eat me alive. I would become intensely suicidal again. I would practice techniques of returning to stillness again, and instantly lose all the physical symptoms of dread, all the mental experiences of fear, and suicide would amuse me intensely and would be unthinkable. Moment to moment. Due to the intensity and frequency of these oscillations in my experience of the universe, this experience was possibly the most traumatizing in my life, but I would hardly call it that as it showed me some of the most vital stuff, and every time I would return to stillness, the stupidity of my mind would amuse me in my awareness and heighten my spiritual state further.

I finally fell asleep.

Woke up the next morning feeling great, grounded, and scared nomore. Went outside to find out what time my morning bus was leaving. This was my last weekend in India and I had hosted a party for that night and would have liked to get back for it..Smoked a cigarette outside on the road. And who came by right next to me again? Xavier. This time there was no fear. I saw a dead man in his eyes; deadened like most men, but even more so, and all I felt was compassion and pity for him. He could not understand my state of tranquility especially following what he had done to me, and stood around sheepishly. I talked to my mugger briefly with a smile on my face, told him that my experience in kodai was beautiful and where and what I had done the night previously, and left to check on the buses.

However, i was misinformed once again, and there was no morning bus, the first bus was at 6pm that evening. I would miss my own party. So be it, I accepted it, returned to my room and slept the rest of the day through.

At 6pm I got on the bus for home.

On the way my phone started working again and I called some of my buds to tell them I wouldn't be there.

One of them said "Man, thats horrible, this party was for you. Sucks for you". Tears welled up in my eyes as I told him that I wouldn't trade my experience for the world and everything in it. I have a feeling he somewhat understood.

I reached home at 5 am the next morning. I quit smoking cigarettes the next day.