Compassion for the Ego - Total Love and Compassion for all the Selfs

Had some phenomenal experiences last night during meditation.

Started late. Started with shedding all my clothing and sitting in my dark room facing a corner. Centered myself, observed the wandering mind, brought it back to the Here and the Now whenever it wandered. Became aware of my breath, and slowly became aware of the prana energy in breath and not the air. Took a big bong hit of a legal substance called "Sence". It makes my thoughts much more evident and visible, and makes it alot easier to get into the space of watching the thinker.

Kept going deeper and deeper into meditation. I spontaneously stopped breathing here. I let it be. I carried on without breath. I started feeling physical symptoms of lack of oxygen. I just moved my awareness onto them, and they immediately dissipated. Then my mind would start screaming 'What in the hell are you doing? Your going to die!'. I would remind myself that there is nothing to be afraid of, not even death, it is all emptiness, it is all nothing, it is all Mu. I get plummeted deep into a trance, breath still held. Rapid fears and physical symptoms of oxygen starvation (though not nearly as quick as normal, I appear to have a diminished requirement in the state I was in). I would just let the fears and feelings be. With each wave of fear that I let be without responding to, a bliss would come over me. Finally and until a final wave was let be a and accepted fully, I fell into a strong, mindless bliss. I spontaneously fell out of the samadhi, not out of fear of not gaining breath back, but because I simply did. Feeling the bliss of nothing perhaps was the destined purpose of this meditation and the purpose of the spontaneous halt in breathing. The second I breathed again a highly intense feeling of 'Coming Back' into the body was experienced, although I did not have a traditional OBE in the meditation where I walked out into space around me: the obe was my consciousness going deep into consciousness itself.

Carrying on my meditation I had some more phenomenal experiences. Chakra meditation brought about huge amounts of radiating energy from most of my chakras. My third eye and crown chakra started getting real infused with energy and there was alot of activity up around here. Deeper and deeper into meditation I would go, using elements of Zazen meditation, Dzogchen 'emptiness, and chakra meditation.

Deep in meditation what occurs for me is that my awareness gets highly heightened, my body highly still, I can feel the smallest creaks in my bones highly intensely: I am very aware at this time. If I am chakra meditating, immensely subtle energies are experienced. Bubbling, rumbling energies in the root chakra, at the crown of my head, between my eyes, at my heart and solar plexus, and there is a movement of these subtle energies from the root towards the crown. These energies are hardly 'subtle' at this time, they engulf me - yet it is not autosuggestion or hallucination, I am intensely aware of myself, the smallest sounds around me, my body, my breath - Thoughts do not cease for prolonged periods, I do not know if they ever do until complete Enlightenment. The thought level quietens down to something of a similar rhythm such as "Thought - question, analysis, attempting to immediately make a concept of the experience I am having, followed by me reminding myself that it is just thought and returning to thoughtlessness or to deep awareness of my breath, return to thought, return to deep awareness. Thoughts do not cease altogether, but here there only appear to be one or two thoughts, there is great clarity and serenity.

Usually around these points, I am either giving a cold shoulder to my ego body, in concept anyway, "The ego has no clue what its doing and is chaotic, ignore it", and occasionally "Goddamnit, the ego wont stop". Through emptiness and feeling the true nature of the ego, this time I was suddenly overwhelmed by compassion like I have never before felt for the ego. There is nothing demonic about it. It is a lost entity searching for its source, searching for happiness, in whatever way it feels is right given its prior limited experiences' 'There is nothing wrong with that! The ego causes pain and chaos, but there is not the slightest bit 'evil' or out of place about it. It is completely innocent. This was the thought that occurred to me after the bliss compassion, and it was beautiful to so wholly embrace the part of me right now that I, and most people on a spiritual path, unconsciously demonize rather than accept fully and let be.

The realization, not in thought but in mode of consciousness, then occurred about who I am right now, and the way I behave. We all feel like we owe our existence in some way to people around us, we all feel nagging doubts, however small and sparsely interspersed, that were not doing the best thing for ourselves - doubts caused by other people telling us to do this or that or due to countering opinions. The realization of compassion provided a consciousness and later thought realization that what one does one does every moment of existence only because one feels it is the best thing to do. What one is at any given time is the best and most correct version of that person, because only they have lived their lives. The experience of compassion for the self was incredible, and the world stopped being significant in any way, all there was was me and the infinitely compassionate, blissful nothingness, and many times in the meditation, only the bliss and no me.

This was a 2 hour meditation.